I’m a little lost

I haven’t written a post in quite some time. In my early days of recovery (and some would argue that I’m still very much in the early days of recovery) writing about what I was experiencing and feeling and sharing it with others was a great source of support. It cleared my mind of its jumbled thinking and exposed those thoughts to public scrutiny and comment. In most cases I found that others had felt as I had and they had progressed through it. That was enough to let me know that the difficult days would pass, just as the good ones did too.

Overtime life got better; I think in some respects it could only get better! Now I am facing challenges, the stuff of life challenges and nothing more: relationship difficulties, anticipatory grief for a terminally ill parent and the general boredom that comes from working in a job that pays well, but challenges very little. It is all weighing heavily on me and I can feel my mind becoming a jumbled mess and turning to its old ways to find the easy solution. I don’t want to drink, but I do want to escape and I know from past experience that I have other behaviours that can easily cause plenty of destruction if I allow them to. I need to be on guard and I need to remember the things that work in these difficult times. So I have picked up the laptop and started writing this and already I can feel a pathway forming in my mind, clear of the current mess and debris of desperate and catastrophic thinking.

Nothing about this is going to have an easy solution, but I can at least find a solution with the help of other people and by sharing my experiences and asking for help. Perhaps I can find a solution by being open and honest and fearless too? It could not do anymore harm than is done by isolating and building resentments, jealousy, anger and a deep sense of loneliness.

So, if you’re reading this and you feel alone and scared, lonely, angry, jealous or resentful, if you fear for the future and the prospect of losing people you love then reach out to me and we can help each other. We can help each other in the same way that we helped each other to recover from our addictions.

I have work to do, but I can’t do it alone.