I’ve created a new word to describe one of my major character defects:
Mullow [mʌləʊ] verb with object (Over) think about (a fact, proposal, request) despite the fact that it is out of your hands. ORIGIN From Wallow/Mull Over
I want to be clear from the outset that this is not some harmless, slightly quirky habit. When I do this (and it is me that makes it happen), I take everyone down with me. I place aside all the things I know that work, all of the support and love from good people who surround me, and I throw it back at them in a storm of anger and self-pity. The world has come to a stop because I haven’t got my way (yet) or things haven’t gone as I expected (demanded) and if I’m hurting, why shouldn’t you be too? Think of a two-year-old having a tantrum and you won’t be far off the mark.
To mullow successfully you must be all-consumed with the subject of your mull (this is the wallowing aspect). There’s no room for life to carry on therefore; everything else must come to a stop and all those around you must feel as you do. They must be thwarted in their attempts to continue to operate as regular human beings and any sign of positivity, laughter or happiness must be immediately stamped out. There is a danger that such distractions will lead you to believe that there are plenty of things in the world to be grateful for. That will never do.
Whilst mullowing is naturally a cyclical process, it is acceptable, perhaps even preferable, to produce multiple conclusions and projections with a splattering of conjecture, so long as each leads to another immediate round of mullowing. Be careful that your conclusions do not lead to any form of action or the whole process will be drawn to a premature end. If conversing with others about your mullowing, be sure to be ready to pursue this cyclical process even in the face or reasoned arguments, so avoid any conversations until you have a suitable number of mullowing hours under your belt with which to defend yourself from those that would have you sane.
Mullowing is distinct from other forms of pondering in that it has very clear physical symptoms alongside the spiritual and moral paralysis. There is a severe tightening of the chest, a sick-to-the-pit-of-your-stomach feeling and narrow or ‘tunnel’ vision. Someone who finds themselves in a mullowing episode will typically find that they are not sure if they’re going to burst into tears or pulverise someone. Sometimes they will feel like doing both at the same time. To avoid such explosive situations the mullower will retreat from social situations and to a more suitable mullowing environment, such as bed. Usually bed. Food can be taken during an episode, so long as it has the effect of increasing your sense of despair; so make sure it’s unhealthy and eaten in quantities that are either too little or too large.
If the mullower attempts to fix the problem they can be sure of only one thing, this will leader to deeper and more harmful mullowing.
I know this feeling too well and the attacks happen during the more emotionally heightened situations that life presents; mortality, job insecurity, moving house or illness. I’m experiencing an episode right now and I’m writing this, hands shaking and head foggy with fear and anxiety, in an attempt to quieten the sensation. I told my sponsor about my new word; he set me a task “Think of what the opposite of mullowing is, and after you have thought about it at length and deeply, I feel sure the answer will come to you”.
As I mull over it now and feel sure it has something to do with the word “action”. Mullowing is ultimately a selfish and indulgent act, so I’m guessing the opposite would be a selfless act – perhaps a “giving” act. Oh, I know – a mixture of “give” and “activity” – givtivity! That’s it!
Givtivity [giv.tɪv.ə.ti ] verb Actually doing something with someone else in mind. ORIGIN From Give and Activity
So, here I am in the midst of a mullowing episode and I have to find enough fightback to turn it into some givtivity. The question is, will I find the power?
© @SobrietyMatt 2021